April 12, 2010 (Monday)

Hey God,

Well, I bet your day was great and bad at the same. Seeing some of your children coming back to you, or even finding you for the first time. I know it must be tough to see all the pain and hurt your children cause for your other children. Seeing the sins your children go through before it even happens, but yet, you are a God that see things for the better rather than the worse, and I know I should. I know even though we sin you still look at us with an open and honest heart and also knows that we are going to make it through... eventually.

I know I should totally look at things that way as well. But I know that you want me to chase after my heart, but yet, I get confused about the times when following my heart and your will goes  against what my parents believe. And it does say quite frequently to listen to our parents. But you are my heavenly father and I believe what you want for me is different from my earthly father and mother.

I know that I am living at home, but really. It's almost ridiculous to me that I have to pay rent. And that it goes up every 3 months. It's ridiculous. I know that it's silly of me to change my degree so fast but it was likely to happen, some people do it more often than i do.

It just wasn't cool. I really didn't appreciate my earthly dad sending me texts like: ''I hope your finding a place to live." "I should say that your attitude towards this family is getting close to the breaking point." Like seriously! Come on! I just don't get it. I really don't. I know that as soon as I show them my grades they aren't going to be happy, and you know what I know they are going to blame it on Invisible Children. I just don't know what to do anymore.

I can't move out. I just can't afford to. i neeed to save up for my Invisible Children Roadie position. I just really don't understand. I totally would have moved out along time ago if I totally could.

You remember that one time God when my earthly mother threw my favorite mug at me? Well That last text message I got from my dad tonight almost felt like a symbolic mug thrown at my heart which shattered into a million pieces. I just can't take the mental abuse from the family. I can't stand it! What am I suppose to do to make them happen. Join the peace corps? That may be one of my last hopes. I just don't know what else to do. Like I know he isn't going to pay for college anymore, and I need a way to pay for college. I guess I better make daddy proud by joining the marines.... blech. Yes, I know without it I wouldn't be alive, but without it, I wouldn't be here to face what i am facing right now. All this ... pardon my language... shit in my life. I know their life would be sooo much better without me. Then they would just have time to talk about their favorite son, and how he's doing great in school, sports, choir, and how he wants to be an engineer. Like ridonculous. .Oh did I forget to mention that he is going to New York City for choir. My parents must be so proud of him. They should just frame his fuckin' picture in a gold plated frame. You look around the house as soon as my brother graduates, I bet you that they will have pictures of him around the house. My senior pics still aren't up. FUCK MY LIFE!

Sorry God. I just had to get that out. And you know and I know that I don't have the guts to cut myself, so while I was driving today I was thinking. I do draw some pretty graphic stuff, well I was thinking since I can't cut myself, why don't I just in like a paintint. Paint a picture of my arm and them cut out slivers of my ''skin'', and then paint on another canvas, blood red. Then tape or glue it behind it so then it looks like I am bleeding.

What would it take to make me happy right now. Right now... not a whole lot. Just that my parents would understand that I don't have the money to pay them right now. That what I am doing for Invisible Children is because I want to, and I love to. It isn't because it's a fad. Invisible Children, may be a fad to some people, but it's a life style for me. I love it. I truely enjoy it. I love children and hate seeing them being used like that. Alhough, I am very much thinking about stopping my enjoyment with working with children to go to another church. I just can't stand it.

I just can't.

Oh God, I pray that you would please give me strength. But more importantly, Lord, give me the ability to forgive my family, especially my dad. Give me to patience to go through whatever is going through their minds. Lord i pray for guidance. I am wanting to listen to what you have for me. I love you so much.

I praise you for amazing friends, and an amazing family at church, at JCCC, and my future family with Invisible Children. Lord I praise you for allowing me to see another day. Even if I honestly think in my heart that I don't want to see another day or don't deserve to live another day. These thoughts roll through my head like nothing, and yet with your help and amazing love, I can say that I don't have the strength or some say the weakness to do those things. I pray that you would continue to work in my life. Lord, I honestly don't know how much longer I can take of this, but I know that with you I can do all things.

"Jesus, you have me completely
every breath that I breathe
I am absolutely in love
Jesus, I am yours forever
all of my surrender
I am absolutely in love with you."

Lord, that is my prayer. I also pray that I will be able to take James 1.... I believe... to heart. I think that's where it is, where it says that I should take delight in my trials. Lord I pray that you would give me JOY! yes Lord, JOY! Give me more of it! I pray that I will wake up tomorrow, thinking I am so happy and ready to take this family issue by the horns and just push it to the side.

Lord I do pray for my family. I pray that you would give them guidance. Let them know Lord that what they are doing is hurting me emotionally, but more importantly... this is so hard to say, but I FORGIVE THEM. Do I feel better, no not really, but I know it's for the best. Lord I know that is what you would have done, if you were in my position. Continue to love them, even when you are in pain. You even showed us that love, when you died for us on the cross.

Lord I love you so much.... i'll probably talk to you in my journal sometime soon.

Your beloved daughter.
Laura Clark